No matter where you stand on this topic, I truly believe fed is best. With August being breastfeeding awareness month I wanted to share my experience.
As my pregnancy progressed, I was surprised by how many people asked me if I planned on breastfeeding. My brothers and I were formula fed and we turned out just fine, so I didn’t give too much thought to the matter. When asked I’d shrug my shoulders and give a simple “we’ll see” reply.
I started to read and receive unsolicited (but always appreciated) advice about the benefits of breastfeeding. Breast milk contains antibodies that help your baby fight off viruses and bacteria, can lower their risk of asthma and allergies and has health benefits for mom too. Plus, it can help women lose the baby weight. So I thought why wouldn’t I give this a go?
A girlfriend with a newborn told me breastfeeding was extremely challenging and suggested I take one of the classes offered at our hospital to learn more. At this point I was 7 months pregnant and ready to have a more open and positive attitude towards learning about breastfeeding.
I’d heard women struggled with breastfeeding, but couldn’t really wrap my head around how it could be hard. Doesn’t the baby just put suck on your boob and milk comes out? As I write this I laugh at what a naïve thought that was.
Since I clearly knew nothing about breastfeeding I figured I could benefit from a class. Kevin and I sat through a 3-hour class and walked away feeling like we had learned a lot. At the end there was an open forum q & a session. I asked the teacher if she suggested I buy formula to have in the house just in case I have trouble breast feeding? Her reply ‘I do not suggest that you have any formula in the house, because at 3am when your baby is struggling to latch you will reach for the formula.’ OK, noted don’t buy formula.
I was armed with my medela pump, nursing tanks and a recipe for lactation cookies. Fast forward to Caroline’s birth and our hospital stay which was a whirlwind. CC was teeny tiny at birth weighing 5lbs 14 oz. The first time we tried breastfeeding she latched perfectly and I thought this is so easy! I can’t believe I took a class for this.
Two hours later it was time for another feeding and CC latched again. I thought to myself why do people say this is hard? Later that afternoon two of my closest friends came to visit us and spoiled us with gifts. One of those gifts being formula. My friend (also a new mom) whispered to me “I brought you this just in case.” I replied “thank you!” not thinking anything of it and we went back to staring at our new baby.
For our 3rd feeding of the day we realized she was favoring my right breast and this time we focused on having her feed on the left side. She wasn’t latching to that side. We called the lactation consultant who came right away and provided us with some different angles to try. With her help we had success and I also started pumping to help things continue to move along.
That night we had latching issues again on both sides. At this point my nipples were raw and any incorrect latch was very painful. The lactation consultant came back at 7 am and with her guidance we had zero issues latching issue. I thought OK that was a slight hiccup and we are back on track and being discharged today.
A few hours later at that last hospital feed we had latching issues yet again. I requested the lactation consultant come again before we left to try to fully utilize her knowledge. When the lactation consultant was present it always felt easier. I had a coach who was an expert helping me, but when it was just us nothing seemed to go right and I was still in quite a bit of pain.
We were discharged at 4pm and shortly after we got home it was time for yet another feeding. My nipples were sore and bleeding. We tried to remember everything the lactation consultant taught us but without her we weren’t having much luck. Knowing she preferred the right side we continued to stick with that.
At the next feed I broke down crying. I was exhausted from birthing a child and sleep deprivation from the last 48 hours. I told Kevin I needed a break and told him to make a bottle with formula. In that moment, I was so incredibly grateful my girlfriend had brought us that. I promised both of us this was just for the night and if I gave my boobs a break I’d be ready to take tackle this tomorrow.
Since we were set on breastfeeding we had zero idea how many ounces a newborn should have in a bottle. Even though it was after hours we thought it was best to call our pediatrician to verify and at the rate of $45 per call could connect with our doctor. In hindsight, we laugh at this as we could of easily googled this, but we were sleep deprived first-time parents and wanted to get this parenting thing right. The doctor on call assured us it was fine to supplement with formula and gave us info on the amount of ounces to use.
The next day I decided my boobs still needed more time to recover. Throughout the first weekend I try to breastfeed 3 more times, but I just felt like my sanity was more important. I was given the phone number of a lactation who offered in home services or clinics I could go to learn more, but I ultimately didn’t feel very passionate about it. I decided if I wasn’t going to breastfeed I’d at least pump, so CC could have some of my breastmilk.
I pumped and pumped. I pumped when the baby ate. I pumped when the baby slept. I pumped in spurts. I ate lactation cookies. I used heat pads to increase milk flow. Despite my attempts I didn’t produce that much milk for the amount of time I was dedicating to pumping. After 6 weeks of pumping and producing little milk. I decided this wasn’t for me. I wasn’t producing enough milk and my sleep and sanity outweighed the need for my daughter to have breastmilk. I felt a twinge of guilt that day. I felt the pressure to breastfeed that wasn’t initially created by but was influenced by outside noise. The next day, I put the pumping equipment away next to my maternity clothes and never gave it another thought.
Breastfeeding has so many amazing benefits and there are many women who truly love the experience. I just wasn’t one of those women. There are many other resources available that I could of explored to continue to learn how to make breastfeeding work for us, but it wasn’t a priority for me. With the tagline of ‘breast is best’ it’s easy to understand why women feel pressure to do so. I went through every emotion with breastfeeding and see why it feels like a personal defeat. Everyone’s journey and experience with motherhood is so unique. I never say never and maybe with another baby I’d try breastfeeding again. For me, as long as baby is healthy and happy so is mama and that’s what it’s important to our family.
